I’m sitting on a knit, Mexican blanket in the middle of the night in the sand, I’ve had the best 2 days a girl could imagine, I feel totally happy and have everything I could ever want at this time… but I’m crying like desert rain, a flash flood of emotion and I cant seem shake it.
Life is not predictable, I wish they told you that in Elementary school. When you are 8 years old no one ever sits you down and says, “Listen guys, life is really hard” of course, why would they want to scare you? Instead we are hammered with conventional standards, i.e: you will grow up, you will meet someone who wants to marry you, you will have kids, marriage is forever, you will love each other, you need to find stability, a job, a car, you will believe in God, you will die, you will go to heaven or hell etc. etc. etc…
No one ever says, “Hey! You may not be able to afford college, you may not fall in love until you are 43, you may not be able to have kids, your husband may bore the shit out of you, you may hate your job, you may love your job more than you love anyone in your life… but it’s OK, be ready to take it all in.”
So off we go with our preconceived notions of how our lives are supposed to unfold and when it doesn’t go to plan, well, it hurts like hell.
The desert sand is still warm from the days heat as I dig my toes into it, tears streaming down my cheeks. Regardless of the great aspects of my life and the happiness I encounter I still find myself searching…for…what exactly? Most will say things like, “You have built your dream job, you have money and support and love” but they must know, we all have to know, that things are never simple for anyone. It is tough to be alive, to navigate through this crazy maze of dreams and reality, to know what is right or wrong, morally and internally. To remember, the hardest part, recollection.
I am crying for many reasons, I am crying for all the world and for myself, I am crying because I am so happy, I am so lucky, I am so scared, I am so lost. I cry for fear these feelings may never fade and with each year new problems will present themselves, I fear that life will always be a mystery, an open book, a guilty, pleasurable, strange and surprising ride. I fear no resolution to my problems, but mostly I fear that the only resolution is that there is none.
It’s OK to be afraid, it’s OK to be torn and floating and it’s OK to cry even when you are extremely happy. It’s OK to be wrong, it’s OK to fail, it’s OK to make stupid decisions even when they hurt, it’s OK.
it’s OK, and we just don’t say it enough.